Chaos, or, Why Ham is Always Important

Ever find yourself running down a dark street in your stocking feet with a slab of ham? Well, I have. It all started when my cousins came to my grandmother’s house last weekend. They’re moving to France for a new job, and this was one of their last stops before the airport. I decided to stay the night, and I started getting sleepy about midnight. I hit a second wind, though, and around 01:45, after I had flipped through the channels a few times, their dog Chaos came around and wanted to go out. Like an idiot, I assumed that the dog had a lick of sense and opened up the back door. She did her business, and then proceeded to perform an olfactory scan of the entire backyard. I called, called, called, whistled, begged, called again, but she wouldn’t be distracted from her mission. It was freezing out, and I only had socks on. Finally, she started heading toward the gate, and I got worried. She ran all around the neighbor’s yard, and then started toward the street, and that was when full panic set in. I ran back into the house to the kitchen. “Crap…crap…crap…what do dogs eat?!” I grabbed some ham from the meat drawer and rushed back out, scanning frantically until I saw the dark form of a dog trotting under a streetlight. I tasked my subconscious mind with formulating an explanation for why their dog had been smashed by a vehicle and took off running. After an all out wind sprint over about twenty yards, I finally caught up. ‘Hey! Hey! Look what I’ve got!” But she wasn’t interested. Finally, I reared back and slapped her across the face with the slab of ham. She got the message and started chowing down. Without losing the moment I scooped her up, all 35 pounds of her, and started back toward the house. I’m not sure if the neighbors saw my hulking form, clutching a panting dog, walking down the street at two in the morning in socks and a t-shirt, but judging by the lack of sirens, I’m thinking not. I haven’t quite come up with a moral for this story yet, but I’m thinking it’ll be along the lines of “Never let anything out that you’re not willing to chase down.” Either that or “You never know when you’ll need some Ham.”