Just a quick update. I've renewed my mind about my weight-loss and fitness regime and I'm really very confident that my slow, steady, sustainable lifestyle changes will produce the results I want. I'm on the path toward better health, longer and more fulfilling life, and self-satisfaction. I've implemented changes and I'm excited to follow through and see positive results.

I'm getting over the flu this week. I've recovered from most of the symptoms but I'm still pretty weak and disoriented. My sleep schedule has been inverted, as tends to be the case whenever I have half an excuse. I'm going to try to correct it, but it won't be easy, and I hate to deprive myself of the rest necessary to aid my recovery.

I had to miss work this week, which was unfortunate. I'll have to plan around the resulting budget shortfall, but it's nothing I can't handle. Soon my probationary period will be over and I'll be able to take sick days in this sort of situation. I'll get vacation days, too, but the most exciting development that will mean is that I can no longer be fired at the drop of a hat. I'll now be subject to a somewhat lengthy disciplinary process, and I've never given any indication that I would need disciplining, so barring any financial catastrophe I'll be secure in my job, for better or worse. I'm enjoying being able to financially plan, but I still find that an unsatisfactorily large portion of my time is spent alone. When I'm at work I'm mostly alone, and when I'm here I'm always alone, since my roommates have returned home for Christmas. It's unfortunate. I don't try to work it out like that. Quite the contrary. It just always works out like that. It's a situation that needs to be amended, but until I graduate I think it'll stay the same.

Graduation. I have one more semester of college to go, and it doesn't start until the 17th of January. I'm glad for a reprieve from school, but I wish my social life were more active. When I've recovered from this illness I'm gonna do some hanging out with some people. A week is a long time to be down and around the apartment.

I'm pretty burned out. I just have a couple of big obstacles left between me and the winter break, but they're fairly big and I need to get them right. I'm having a really hard time mustering the energy and inclination to keep going, but it won't be long now. I'll get to take a break and then get on with my last semester. There are a lot of unanswered questions. I'll have to proceed despite not having the answers.

How absurd. But such is this life.

I feel that I've been unfair to myself all these years. When I write, it's a snapshot of a moment in time. The problem is, the inclination to write is usually a result of a situation in which I am either emotionally distressed or bored. Well, I've noticed that, over the years, I've been left a chronicle of snapshots of times when I was depressed or restless. Since I don't write when I'm happy, I never write happy things, and so, when I or others read my writings, they get the feeling that I'm an exceedingly morose person, which simply isn't the case. I guess it's just a consequence of the way I think. I should start writing when I'm in a good mood, to balance out the memories of myself that my writings leave behind.

So, an idea occured to me today. When something is sharpened, it becomes more useful and effective; in effect, it is more refined. But the sharpening process involves shearing off fragments of the blade, essentially grinding off the excess until only a keen edge remains. I was thinking that life is the same way, and that the process of maturing, of learning and becoming an expert in a field, of becoming a refined person, is actually not only a process of adding to ones self, as is usually assumed, but also of grinding ones self down, even as life itself is grinding us down as well. The trick is, you have to grind yourself down first, because while your grinding is constructive in its destruction, the erosion and rust of life brings only ruin. It's a race to destroy yourself before entrophy and absurdity can do it for you. It's agonizing either way, but if you do it yourself at least you'll be a worthy and productive person.

Thoughts?

Following a very unfortunate personal incident, and some somewhat disappointing results of a weigh-in, I've recently experienced a bout of apathy about my school work. I've got some questions that are difficult to answer, and I'm also having to ask myself what I see myself doing after school. What can I do with a Philosophy degree? The skills I've gained from philosophy will contribute in a major way to any profession I choose, but the problem is landing that first job. I'm so ready to get out of the ivory tower and experience life- but I'm wary of the financial pressures that will bring, as well as the crushing realities of the loneliness of bachelorhood. I'm not financially ready to support a family, though, and I'm not emotionally or spiritually ready to accept the gynocracy that so many American marriages become. It seems that while I was struggling to find a place for myself, I missed out on establishing just what my place in life is. I don't want to be swept up into events that I can't control, and I fear that that prevents me from participating in a lot of nice things.

The big question I can't answer right now is: What can I do with my degree that I couldn't do before? Have these hard-fought years been a complete waste? Should I just have gotten a job?

I sense that there is something out there that I'll gain from this experience. I can even think of a few things off hand. But I still can't shake the growing anxiety about what will happen to me if I don't figure this out.

Like a Freight Train Coming Your Way

I can see now that there's a light at the end of the tunnel, and as Nate put it, I don't here a whistle. My bank account has been empty for about a month, and I've been selling things to get grocery money. I've gotten to experience the generosity of my friends and family, and that's been positive in terms of reaffirming the strength of our ties to one another, but other than that it's been pure hell. I feel much better today than in recent days because I slept a very long, medically assisted sleep last night and decided to skip class today (It was going to be nothing but student presentations, and honesty...). I've been assured that my money will come on Friday of this week, and I'm cautiously optimistic, wary as I am of such assurances. I don't know if it'll be enough to get me back on track, but it'll mean I'm not in the gutter. In addition, I've spoken with my uncle and he's going to let me help him with his landscaping business from time to time, which will mean some valuable income. Also, Chick-Fil-A at Friendly Centre should be calling me today for an interview appointment. If I can get a job there, as well, then I'll be set. I'll be able, by the fruits of my own labour, to enact positive change on my own situation and by proxy a number of situations around me, which is what I've so desperately wanted for so very long. It sounds like a hopeful situation, which may assuage some of my anxiety. I have a burgeoning situation with school that may prove challenging, but that's a bridge I'll cross when I come to it.

Processes

I've recently taken up cheese making. When I first read about how to make it, I learned that there was a process. Each step was purposeful and necessary, and if even one step was omitted, the final product was altered or rendered impossible. If the cultures don't incubate properly, the coagulation never takes place and you've just got a jar of sour milk. If you don't drain the whey from the curds properly, you don't get the right consistency. If you use too much salt, the flavour will be compromised. And, as I learned today, if you leave the cheese cloth laying around, it will fill your apartment with a decidedly noisome air.

I've been thinking a lot lately about processes. Since the only constant in life is change, and since that change is limited to the laws of physics, one can reap great rewards by merely applying oneself to the study of process. It seems to me that the people in life who wield the most power and influence understand two things; the way things work, and, based on that knowledge, how to get the desired result.

The first part of that equation is learning how things work. Everybody eats. But not many people know where their favourite foods come from or how to produce them. Everybody drives, but few know the inner workings of an internal combustion engine. Everybody lives in a building, but few understand construction. Chefs, Mechanics, and Engineers are able to charge great sums of money for their knowledge in these areas, and all it took was the effort to learn.

I've been fascinated with the way things work recently. I've been looking at my favourite things and applying myself to learning how they work, and I've come to find that there is a power that comes from a knowledge of the way of things. It makes one feel connected to the world to know that everything has a process, and that process has been going on since the beginning of time. If you put a seed in the ground, and ensure that there's water and sunlight, then it'll grow. No ifs, ands, or buts. It can help one's mood to contemplate the order of the world. There exists so much chaos, as much natural as man-made, but the order is what brings the stability and safety necessary to prepare one's self for the chaos ahead.